Then on New Year’s Day, he said the dreaded …. I had also stopped the party life style, didn’t take drugs anymore. But we hadn’t had any sexual encounters yet, just kissing cuddling lots of dates, I was feeling so good about myself. Not long after being home I meet a guy and it was going well, he hadn’t long came out the closet and wasn’t ready for a sexual relationship, but we still became boyfriends, which was perfect for me as I then had time to tackle this addiction again, so I didn’t tell him about my issues as didn’t want to scare him of, and began another reboot, everything was going well ( I thought lol ) I started to fall for this guy, it was the first time I had romantic feelings to be completely honest. I came home after a couple of years and got straight back into porn. This has made me realise in my own personal journey with porn, I wasn’t just addicted to porn I had also become addicted to masturbating and a fetish for non traditional sexual encounters with types of men I normally find repulsive. I won’t say too much as don’t want to add any triggers to anyone reading this, but they were not healthy positive encounters, and I feel very ashamed of them now. I had an amazing time as rep and did it for a couple of years, however there wasn’t really any other openly gay men, and I didn’t have any healthy relationships whilst out there, I went back into the party lifestyle, the internet connection was really bad so didn’t get back into porn but I did however start masturbating a couple times a day again and had several unhealthy sexual encounters. So because we shared some of the same friends the break up became quite messy, on a complete whim one day I had enough and looked at jobs abroad, I found a club rep job in Greece and the start date was in 2 weeks, I signed up got an interview the next day and got the job. I felt crushed, however I didn’t turn back to porn for some reason, which is good.
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During my reboot him and one of my friends became very close, I didn’t pay it much attention as was focusing on recovery and couldn’t give him my full attention, so thought it was good that had my friend to turn to and spend time with.Įventually he admitted him and my friend were having an affair and he left me for him. He always found reasons to not want to have sex, I thought maybe he just disgusted with me and wasn’t ready yet. So I finally started to feel healthy and like me again and was ready to start having a healthy sexual relationship. We didn’t have any physical contact during this recovery, as we felt this was the best thing to do. So I gave up porn, successfully, and did about 100 days and felt rewired. I felt disgusted in myself, he agreed to stay with me if I gave porn up. He showed me a couple of weeks of my internet history, and there was hundreds of porn websites. He woke me up and confronted me, I was massively in denial at first, I had honestly never heard of Porn addiction and I wasn’t aware I had a problem. He must not have believed my answers, as one night when I was asleep he went through my phone, he didn’t find any messages as I was t cheating, However he found my porn history. So he used to ask a lot am I cheating etc and was convinced I was. With my ex partner we had a non/existent sex life and I didn’t want one either, even though I had very strong feelings for this guy. I was completely oblivious I had a porn addiction and it was actually brought to my attention by my ex rather than me discovering it. I had erection problems but convinced myself it was because of the party life and that every guy has these problems. I was a big party animal with a big friend group and would go out clubbing / drinking at least 3/4 times a week, and also taking party drugs. I had a couple of partners in my twenties but looking back they weren’t serious mature relationships. Then when I was 19/20, phones really stepped their game up, I now had high speed internet at my finger tips and could watch porn in complete privacy. This is when the addiction first escalated, and I would sneak down at night when my family was asleep and either watch porn or go on gay chat rooms and masturbate about 2/4 times a week.
When I was about 15 my family traded in our old 90’s style computer, think it was an Acorn ( showing my age now ) and we got a more modern Microsoft computer which came with high speed internet.
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I’m 33 years old, been addicted to porn from about the age of 12 and My sexual orientation is gay.my journey in porn began with soft core porn, mainly late night Tv shows, I also had couple of soft core magazines, I somehow managed to get hold of.
Well like everyone here I have an porn addiction and I’m desperately trying to recover and quit it.